4/29/06 12:04 am
ok, here I am again. as you see with new layout and new lifestyle - it's called bollywood and is really nice. but i wished my mood would be better. it's pretty late but nevertheless i have my beer next to me. well, my situation. it may sound like an essay to you but i just have to write about my broken little heart. so, please let me write in short about the lates topic: men are like shit (not every one, ok). it is so: i lost my heart to a guy called "franek" (it is just a nick). we were happy, we had great time together but then he disappeared for nearly 3 months. as he returned i lost control and got so angry that i can't remember what i cursed on him (but my friend told me it was really hard what i said). however, he tried to explained that he had to go home 'coz of family problems. ok, i thought, shit happens. the great BUT follows: again, he left town to somewhere - letting me standing in winter-time,tired and freezing waiting for him, who again was gone. so, i tried to think positiv. he has been a big asshole! ok, time goes by, loves come easyly....heheheheeee...not for me. i tried hard to forget him and to start some new relation with a guy i met one year ago. it was nothing cleared and "hugo" and me just wanted to know each other.then, one evening, i was just helping a friend's sis with homework as franek called - he wanted to explain again and meet. but i had a date with hugo so i said tell me now. he, as usual, wanted a face-to-face-talk so i said let's talk tomorrow. the next great BUT follows. so, BUUUUUUT, until today he did not call. well, i made situation clear to hugo and told him that there is franek and i added i would not be sure about what to do.
while kissing with hugo, i felt uncomfortable eventhough i said to me i will try with him. my mind got clear to me after being drunk on easter-sunday. it was so: my dear aunty, me and the vodka - we had a date. i got drunk as hell and my friend took to eat lahmacun (turkish pizza). i hardly remember the night but we went to hugo's shop to eat it. he just finished work so he was so nice to join me and my state of being full. i don't know much about what he said but it was something about drinking a little more OR to take me for an 1-hour walk (remember: i was drunk and able to do anything). thx god my friend didn't allow it and took me home. but hugo was still around and accompanied us to my friend's home. she left us alone and hugo and i started kissing again. jesus, it was strange. he didn't want to let off and i felt so bad... it was really horroble how my heart started hurting. finally, i managed to get to my friend's place. yeah, she was tired and i wanted home. i was not able to do alone so she called hugo to bring me. while walking he was talking something about love and a relation between us. i was shocked 'coz from my point of view there wasn't any...ô.O at my house's door he asked to kiss him if i loved him and at that moment i understood: never could i love him. i mean i felt like i was betraying franek O_x;;
ok, hugo's a fine guy but my heart belongs to just one: franek. and that's the whole problem. for nearly 9 months he has been disappeared and I maybe saw him just a few times. but everytime i see him or hear his voice my heart beats faster, i lose control of my body (it feels like a strong desire for his touches) and i'm out of my mind. i know these signs: clear symptoms of being in love but now, as i can't be with him i have the feeling of dying - honestly. i have never felt like this. i already told him last year that he has stolen my heart and now..... see, he is hurting me so much and i'm not able to protect myself.
today, after watching "dirty dancing" yesterday, i cried for about 3 hours. it always happens after seeing such movies and each time it hurts more. now i ask anybody for help. my plan(s) are like this:
a) hang myself
b) drunk as much as possible
c) curse him (or us)
d) any ideas???????
a friend told me the following thing: if you want a man's attention you have to ignore him.... ok, sounds good but he's not in town. so, folks, what to do?